GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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