Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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