my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
