Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
