what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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