my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
