yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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