i permit you to call me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
