and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
