Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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