He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
