Pants 0. Shit 1.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
