What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
