Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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