Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
