I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
sarcasm needs its own font
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
