the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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