why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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