i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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