Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
