I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
