apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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