fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
