I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
