I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize