our cab driver is having phone sex.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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