I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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