I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
