You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
