Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
pray to the hookup gods
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
