Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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