Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
please don't ironically join a cult
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