My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You pole danced in your parka.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
