it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
