She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
