i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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