Plan B is the new Plan A
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
