Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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