I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
