Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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