mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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