Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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