There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
