Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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