She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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