When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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