I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
