my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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