Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
