When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
