Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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