my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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