Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
