She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
