If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
