Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
