i'm signing you up for texting rehab
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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