What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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