My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
