My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
