I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
