His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
