At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
